Finding Friends in My 30s
Making friends in your 30s isn't always easy! Especially after moving, becoming a mom, or starting over in a new place. In this post, I'm sharing my journey of finding community, embracing new seasons of life, and learning that meaningful friendships are built one conversation at a time.
Steffani Baty
7/30/20264 min read
I recently went through a tough season. My partner is in the military, and he had to leave for the summer for work. Military life means he's gone fairly often, so this isn't new for us. In fact, our entire first year together was long distance. We've learned how to navigate time apart, but this summer felt different.
At the end of last year, I moved from California to Washington. California is where I grew up, where my family still lives, and where many of my closest friends are. For the first time in a long time, I found myself feeling lonely. It wasn't just because my partner was gone. It was because I realized I hadn't built a community here yet.
One thing no one really prepares you for is how difficult it can be to make friends as an adult. In your twenties, friendships often happen naturally. You're in school, starting careers, going out frequently, and constantly meeting new people. Then life changes. Careers become busier, families grow, hobbies take up your free time, and suddenly your schedule looks completely different.
For moms, I think making friends can feel even more isolating. You may have friends who are in completely different seasons of life, and sometimes your schedules and priorities just don't align anymore. They're excited to go out on a Friday night (and they absolutely should enjoy that season of life) while you're staying home because the babysitter fell through or your little one isn't feeling well. It isn't that anyone is doing anything wrong; you're simply walking different paths.
Even finding other mom friends comes with its own challenges. Our calendars are often packed with work, school pickups, sports practices, birthday parties, and family responsibilities. You finally find a day that works for lunch, and then someone's child gets sick or life throws another curveball. It can feel like friendships slowly drift apart, not because anyone stopped caring, but because life became so full.
That's why I think finding mom friends who truly get it is so important. The kind of friends who understand that you might have to reschedule, who don't mind hearing little voices in the background during a phone call, and who know that sometimes simply checking in is enough. Those friendships remind you that you're not alone in this season. I've been lucky enough to meet a few wonderful moms here in Washington, and while we're all incredibly busy, I've learned to approach those friendships with compassion, patience, and the hope that one day our schedules will magically align.
I'm taking my time in this area and reminding myself that building meaningful friendships doesn't happen overnight. I've put myself out there by introducing myself to moms at the public pool, and I've even met a few wonderful moms at work. Some of my favorite conversations have been the moments we've laughed, vented, and bonded over the beautiful chaos of motherhood. Those small connections remind me that every lasting friendship starts with a simple conversation, and I'm okay letting this season unfold one step at a time.
I've noticed another change in myself, too. As I've gotten older, I've become much more intentional about the company I keep. I value peace more than excitement. I don't have the energy for drama or games anymore. I'd rather have a small circle of genuine, kind people than a large circle filled with relationships that leave me emotionally drained.
That doesn't mean friendships are supposed to be perfect. Every relationship will have moments that require grace, patience, and understanding. I've made plenty of mistakes as a teenager and throughout my twenties. Those years are often filled with learning and growing by figuring out who we are. I've lost friendships while strengthened others and learned something from every one of them. Even now, in my thirties, I'm still learning.
Instead of waiting for friendships to magically appear, I've been trying to intentionally build a community around me. I've started becoming more involved locally, and one of the biggest blessings has been joining a gym that feels more like a clubhouse than just a place to work out. I've been taking group fitness classes, introducing myself to people, and simply showing up consistently. While I haven't suddenly found a group of best friends overnight, these small steps have given me something I didn't realize I was missing: a sense of belonging.
Having somewhere to go, familiar faces to smile at, and people to chat with has helped ease the loneliness I felt while my partner has been away. It's reminded me that community isn't always built through huge moments. Sometimes it starts with simply showing up.
One of the greatest lessons I've learned about friendship is that you have to meet people where they are. You can't expect someone to become the version of them you've imagined in your head. Every person brings their own experiences, personality, and perspective, and that's exactly what makes relationships meaningful. We learn from one another when we're willing to accept each other as we are.
At the same time, healthy friendships go both ways. You deserve relationships that are kind, loyal, supportive, and respectful. You shouldn't have to change everything about yourself just to fit into someone else's life. The strongest friendships happen when your values align and both people feel safe being themselves.
If I'm being honest, I still don't always know how to approach new people. I never want to come across as too eager or too much. So lately, I've been focusing on the smaller moments instead of forcing connections. A conversation after class. A compliment. Asking someone about their day. Little interactions that slowly grow into something more if they're meant to.
I know this season won't last forever. Building friendships takes time, and I'm learning to be patient with the process. Right now, I'm choosing to protect my peace, continue showing up, and trust that the right people will come into my life when the time is right.
Maybe that's what adult friendship really is…not finding people overnight, but slowly building a community filled with people who make life a little lighter, one conversation at a time. If you feel lonely right now at this point in your life just remember, you’re not alone.